Merry Christmas!

Such an emotional day for all of us, what with the looking at each other all day, and sitting in the same room as other people we're related to. It's sort of hard to put things in words. Instead I'll just try to capture the real meaning of Christmas in pictures.

Christmas Cards

Sort of a theme here to Christmas week. That's what we call branding, and according to the boss' last memo, we have to keep doing it so bear with us. That said, at what point did all of my friends, and I do mean literally all of them, start sending Christmas cards? Up until about age twenty-whatever I don't think I got a single fucking card except from my aunt and my grandma. Now my box is overflowing with this bullshit. Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but Christmas cards are a bit like a high five. Not something you want to do, but you don't want your friend to feel like an asshole either. Sort of a gut-check on your List detector.

So, here I am filling out Christmas cards for no reason other than obligation. Well, my lady is handling... Wait a goddamned second! Since we all got domesticated, that's when this bullshit train started!

I guess my buddy Dave who once shit out of a 3rd floor window in college is in a way genuinely wishing me Christmas cheer, but most likely it's because his wife told him he'd better do it and like it. Anyway, my bird is awesome and totally taking one for the team here, but at the same time she's taking an active role in perpetuating this bullshit. Guess we're even there. Hope you like our card. We don't have any bratty kids, but just picture the kids we'll never have doing something really cute and throw that memory right on your brain's fridge where it can sit for a few weeks before tossing it out. Merry Christmas!

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party!

So this is a thing now apparently, which is exciting, because people who were throwing pimps and hoes parties last year need a new reason to stand next to each other in a room and drink and take pictures of themselves standing in a room and drinking. Is it just me, or is it kind of hard to tell that most of the people who go to these things are supposed to look that much different than they normally do? A nerd is still a nerd regardless of intent, right?

Here's a question you should ask yourself before you attempt to wear something at a theme party like this: Would I wear this Christmas sweater/gimp mask/space helmet in my normal every day life anyway? If the answer is yes, congratulations, you failed at irony, and life. Although if you're a sex slave on the moon around Christmas time you get a free pass on this one. Everyone deserves to relax on the holidays.

Celebrity Death

Maybe if I blast off one of these here Twitter posts expressing my sorrow at the passing of someone I've never met -- someone who wouldn't have pissed on my face if my face was on fire and the only cure for that fire was celebrity piss -- then I'll be able to finagle some of that famous person's glowing death shine onto myself. With any luck I can work it into a good two days of run off sympathy-sympathy. Soon everyone will know I'm a very serious person who feels things deeply. From Facebook to Twitter to the comments section of TMZ, I'm going to spread the word. It's my duty as a plugged -in member of the internet community, and all part of the natural grieving process. If we can't get people to notice the way we pretend to feel about things that happen to other people and don't change our lives in anyway, do we really even exist? We do not.

Awesome Site Update

Well, that was a pretty good week around here if I don't say so myself. Anyway, I still don't have anything to add, but I was getting sick of looking at that roofies pic (too soon) so here we are. For anyone keeping track, I just got back from Target where I bought a bunch of shit that no one wants for people who will barely smile for five seconds when I give it to them, including children so small they don't even know I exist. So...I got that going for me. Lazy, not funny, and a hypocrite to boot. Hopefully update later in the week, although I'm planning on being in a ham coma for a good three days, so don't hold your breath.

Baby It's Cold Outside

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside

Ahhhh, Christmas. Classic songs like this always put me in the holiday spirit. Hearkens back to simpler, date-rapier times.

We get it dude, it's winter and it's cold. It was probably cold when she came over, but, and maybe I'm misreading the dozen or so times she says she wants to get the fuck out, I'm starting to get the idea she doesn't want to bang you. Call me a radical liberal feminazi or whatever, but that's just my reading. I'm not too good with interpreting all of the subtle social cues of the mating process though, so I could be off here. Let's see how this plays out...

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar

She lives with her parents dude. How old is this chick anyway? Maybe, I don't know, give her a call tomorrow? Make plans for the weekend? Streets should be plowed by then I'm guessing.

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight
To break the spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

What's in the drink? Roofies apparently.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Yeah, bitch. Give the dude what he wants. You shouldn't have come over if you weren't gonna put out, right? Those are the rules.

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh darling, it's cold outside

THE ANSWER IS NO DUDE.

My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look delicious

Ummmm, starting to get into some potential serial killer canibal shit here bro. We get that there are no cabs, but what else have you got going on around that place? Starting to envision barbed wire fences and bear traps in the front lawn.

But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me?
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Life long sorrow? Jesus fucking christ, you sound pathetic now. Here's a plan: see if you can control yourself for five minutes, wait till she leaves and then take care of that boner yourself. Pretty sure you'll be fine.


thanks to Ceretto for the inspiration, and also for never date raping me in college.

Bomb the Suburbs

I know I make cracks on here all the time about the ridiculousness of people being afraid Al Qaeda is going to bomb their local Piggly Wiggly or Wa Wa or any of the other high value targets your mom buys milk at, but I was always sort of exaggerating for comedic effect on that one. Anyway, long story short, welcome to the other side of the looking glass people. We've had a pretty good run all things considered.

Also, and this point can never be stressed enough: Local Newsnnnngghhhhh.

Misunderstanding leads to evacuation of Rockland home